| Updates and Such |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|10:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Duvet - Serial expermients lain | ] |
Despite my mood, i feel it quite ... fitting to update this one instead of blackdeath, however i will be posting this in both in different ways. (As is the blackdeath version gets posted on GJ)
I'm supposed to love those i'm in a relationship right? --
I'm supposed to be as much into every little thing as they are..
Cuddling, and being exposed to the things that make us giggle and move us into another room correct?
I'm supposed to feel like i'm able to validate my partner's needs emotionally, and not feel like i'm in some sort of void unable to feel a thing.
Well it's that time of the month where i have to try adn constructivley attempte to evaluate my thinking -- Thus trying to improve on various ways of my own life.
I am indeed going on with this "transition" -- so there really is no "need" for a "girl journal" other than the fact its a validation of my constant questioning. So therefore it stays :P.
But i guess my real problem is that how quick i have the emotion to jump into a situation without knowing how i really feel. I got this way ages ago, and ... well. To tell you the truth, it sucks having a psychic girlfriend. It sucks because they can mis-read the things that are flying off your brain. I had her over tonight, and it was cool, but you know you can only give off so many warnings of the way you are before you just want to go "O-o. ok no." .. but i'm very VERY picky about how i treat people, i hate taking advantage of people. (Yet i do it?)
Anyways..
I don't like taking advantage of people emotionally, and i hate being rude -- so i didn't want to spend my time fighting off a bundle of cuddling joy -- because it would be absolutley rude when they feel so much for you. It's almost as if i'm taking advantage of her if i even TRY to feel again. It's not her fault i feel this way, i cant explain it. She keeps saying there's a part of me that can feel more for her-- but it's just VERY i dont know the words to explain it. Basically said, Someone .. namely a couple friends had warned me i was moving a bit fast with this. (in so many words, maybe not those exact ones.)
You jump in, you jump out--
And never knowing what you TRULY feel inside can only scramble the feelings mutually between you and someone else. Yet she tends to take it to the point where i feel the same way. I have enjoyed the freedom of having someone who loves me, but i can't keep on taking advantage of her feelings when my own are nowhere near her level.
(Women are too complex... Women who want to be men are less complex, and men? o-o. stil l dont understand them either. i guess we ftm people are a ring of our own. not to say that any other alternative gender or sexuality isnt, it's just we tend to not understand ourselves, our lives or even our friendships sometimes.. or is that that i'm ADHD? :P i can never remember.)
I think my problem is i'm trying to fall for someone that is a really good friend, and while we shared our first kiss -- the first things that come to mind when thinking of things like that aren't always her. I can't just teach myself not to love another, because it's sickening enough i'm in love with someone i cant have. It only tears my girlfriend apart more to see that i can't have someone, and she in turn can't have me.
Now i say this because she knows the history of my relationships. I haven't had any, the only one i've had? -- Wasn't truly a relationship, y'know it was more me than her, but the girl was cute and i loved her, but she led me by a leash and choked me to death. Somehow i blame this when trying to explain things about the way i feel, yet in the fact i'm not completley over her.. there's someone else who's felt the same thing -- who shall remain nameless before he gives me a weird look. (He knows who he is, :P)
Yet i cannot validate the way my sexuality is -- i cannot BARE in the way i've been in society to even TOUCH the word "BI" lightly. I think it's a joke somedays, like god played a horrible joke on me and told me i couldn't have anyone but one gender. Yet suddenly i'm sinning and liking naother gender...
I can't stand it.
Someone needs to unlock the door to my heart
and damnit, let me love someone i can have..
Cause this is getting to be tiresome. |
|
|
| Taken from my LJ |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|08:57 pm] |
Here i am sitting like an idiot in the cold houes (yes it's summer and it's cold.) in my tank top (Hey you're lucky i've gotten back into wanting to wear this shirt, it's not a women's tank!) ... and i'm freaking out internally again.
1. I've been invited, and thoruoughly BEGGED to go move to LA before Anime Expo.
2. I'm still having gender issues but it's getting to the point i have to throw myself behind the curtains again, because i can't do it in public, i can't keep having people tugging at me and going "IT's ok" cause it's not. (Trust me, it's not as OK as you'd like to think it is.)
3. my mom doesnt know shit for squat of what's going on ... and i'm lucky she's not home otherwise i couldnt post this..
4. I'm TRYING to be a good little fucking boy ... and behave, and try to take care of my girlfriend -- but it's come to the point i'm going so insane that i've grown back to the point she's .. well i dont NOT like her, she's like more than a good friend.. but i'm not ready to go that far yet. I can't do it, i can't be in public and a, work on my issues and b, watch people stare at me and maria like we're insane (i'd be taking the heat for both of us since she could care less abotu what people think.) -- and seriously i'm just going nuts.
Y'know as much as i'm appearing to be ok, and shit .. i'm coming back up on the time that i'm really afraid of after last month. I can't just sit here and go "Oh it's just an estrogen fit" -- if i don't try and get happy before the middle of hte month i'll be going through this a whole month more.
It just hurts when there's one sole person right now i have absolute feelings internally for and i have to put it on the back burner because i told someone else they're more than welcome to have them.
This whole shit about sexuality freaks me out more than the gender shit. (I wanted to swear alot and act like myself, thus why i'm posting here and not at my other one. Cause otherwise i'd be not swearing as much and not acting like myself :P)
I know i'm not supposed to care about my outside..
what i look, and what people think...
but goddamnit i've grown up thinking a certain way and, i can't just go and change it like that. |
|
|
| Nobody's listening... |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|08:53 pm] |
>>; <<;
....
.....
.....
....
C:\ SPOT RUN
>>; ok that was a lame joke...
ANYONE STLL HERE? ANYONE STILL GOT THIS ADDED?
@_@ i miss it.
SHUT UP. >>; yea i miss y'all over here.
but this doesnt mean that i dont like LJ and i'll leave there cause i wont
>>;
.....
C:\JUSTIN GO INSANE |
|
|
| |
[Nov. 1st, 2006|12:54 pm] |
I wanted to throw this in the water for people:
hide fanvideo contest? :D youtube?
..i guess i dont know who'd want to be involved--
if you have a computer with win xp you can use windows movie maker :)
(cross posted!)
http://www.youtube.com/spiderdreams
btw: ![[info]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/userinfo.gif) spider_dreams
>>; since i only got like five people moving over last post. |
|
|
| |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|07:59 pm] |
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary,
Over many a strange and spurious website of 'hot chicks galore',
While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour.
"'Tis not possible," I muttered, "give me back my cheap hardcore!" -
Quoth the server, "404".
Leaving on account of hackage... AGAIN.
You might find me you might not, best to try searching for me under keywords!
... it's all in the spider's dream...
All in that web of lies...
GIVE ME BACK MY PORN!!! |
|
|
| FTW?!? |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|07:47 pm] |
FTW is about it.
Got hacked again.
... not abotu to explain the whole ordeal..
whoever you are.. take my journal and fucking shove it ok? i lost a friend over this stupid mess back in august..
is it REALLY worth it to cause revenge on me? |
|
|
| |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|10:17 pm] |
If i'm to keep on supporting our lives
and our friendships then tell me what to do to survive without you
Remind me to press pause when reality ends
the VCR won't turn off at the touch of this button
I'm baffled by your existence, something inside pulls me toward you
Yet you don't remember a thing of the past
If i'm to keep on beleiving in this charade..
and our steps on the board.. then tell me what to do
to make this reality real
Remind me to press play when reality begins again..
the DVD player's in pieces and i dont know how to fix it
I can't stand to see you not here. but you stare at my face in return..
The strands of your hair cover your features as if a waiting game
of artistic suprise.
Yet, i can't see you laugh, cry or scream
I can't stand to see you in pain.. yet the years between..
are much younger than they seem.
Remind me to press the power button on the remote..
I'm having issues with the reception all over the place, snowy screens
are starting to haze my vision spiders crawling across the floor
Is there some way not to awaken what was?
Or is it now, like religion must say..a waiting game for years to come
the ascencsion .. the rapture..will come for those accepted.
You're different than i thought.. the screen shows you one way..
the webcam another way.. Tell me what it is i'm doing wrong, i'll press rewind again
to fix the mistakes we just recorded.
If i'm to keep on beleiving and supporting this reality
tell me how am i to survive without your help?
If i'm to keep on, this game...
tell me who am i to forget the way things once were? |
|
|
| updates via LJ , and the LJ - CUT. |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|01:14 pm] |
there were updates here.
but you know what?
... O_o. its' the same shit on LJ, and the private one... well, NOBODY FREAKING USES GJ THAT NEEDED TO SEE THE PRIVATE ONE :D
DAMNIT.
Ko's worrying the SHIT out of mee, and jenn's like "Hideko makes me nervous" and i'm like O_O.
SOJFOISDJFOIJOI~
"STOPBEINGSODAMNNAAAAAARVOUS!"
and i'm then now like "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII TSPAZZZZ!!" because i've had those ancy - anxious days, where i gotta lie and say it's either my inhaler or my f'in sugar i drink (coke)
i didn't sleep well last night because shit kept waking me up, and bugging me... and it wasn't my hive-covered hands, it wasn't my plushies... but what it was people really don't want to know.
(Shit like that gets me in trouble when i speak of it publicly.)
Let's just say i didn't STOP waking up until i woke up at 7:30 for work.
I had my "OFFICIAL LAST DAY" because i neglected to call glenyce until last night.
FEH. i probably fucked up ... but well y'know.. i was getting ancy and shit, and spazzy ... and worried.. and y'know, well.. one of those days where i just don't want to be around people and i just need to just throw my head in a pot of water and sit there til i become a prune.
... just not die. |
|
|
| another update so soon? |
[Sep. 30th, 2006|09:22 pm] |
feh, it's the holidays, and i need to get some shit off my mind.
I had my 4th week trial friday, for work -- and it's not good, it's like a "you're not hired" either option deal. Because my boss obviously thinks i'm inconsistent, and thinks that having to remind me to do shit is a problem (ok ok so that part is) -- but quite frnakly four hours in a church hall set with all this extra cleaning and shit to do is really hard.
So i gotta either take a month's pay or work for it, until they get someone else..
... I do'nt know what the hell to do, i need a job badly, i want financial independence -- i have a credit card, i have a cellphone .. thus things have been proven not to be able to be paid on student allowance.
and since everyone's been on the topic of love, it's kinda this .. i go back and forth between liking and not liking someone, but only to realize i'm told the same thing over and over again. So i don't know, i always go for whati cannot have... either the half-asian or the redhead from art school.
-_-. man i can't win.
someone we know and is a friend of my mom's has brain cancer, and to top it off it's like someone i've met, and my stepdad's worked with for like 20 years type thing -- and if he goes it's like "Great. more people dropping like flies around me."
I hate death, it's an emotional piece of shit thing to happen -- i still hate the fact my grandpa had to die. Not becaues of my witchy grandmother -- but because my grandfather had to have been one fucking intelligent guy, and he spoiled me to death. I don't fit the tshirt he gave me when i was a kid, so i gave it to my stepdad -- so i'm hoping grandpa ain't going "O_o. someone i dont know wearing my lizzie's phillies shirt!!" .. and fyi: grandpa jay always called me lizzie, my middle name's elizabeth. (Much to my dismay.) But every time i think about anyone who's died, it like stirs this emotional black hole, even if it's someone i don't know well. (You all know where this is going.)
I don't know anymore how the hell i am going to come out to my mom, because if she thinks i'm a lesbian it could be easy just to do that first, and then come out with the other. (Hell, at least i could use the drag king excuse.) -- But i do'nt know, i don't like that idea much, because it's lying. Blatant lying and me do not go hand and hand, i never EVER can keep lies very well -- mainly because i never keep the stories straight.
enough of this.. i gotta stop listening to travis tritt's tell me i was dreaming... reminds me too much of sheila, and how badly i fell for the little blonde bitch. |
|
|
| get this... |
[Sep. 30th, 2006|08:18 pm] |
mom jokingly said something about "It's cause your gay" .. and i was like defending myself saying no..
but in a sense i am, because until i can get everything i want, or am sure about it..
y'know i guess i kinda am that way, and unfortunatley just don't want to admit it. |
|
|
| stress is stringing me out to dry. |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|08:42 pm] |
I'm usually not writing a whole lot, because id o'nt have a whole load of time -- Uhm, anyone who's god a bday on the side happy bday, y'all know i'm kinda like brain dead and need reminding :D .. So have a good one.
Anyways, my mom and i are becoming increasingly annoyingly apart and close at the same time -- it's getting annerving. I wonder if because i have such an intelligent mother she's starting to catch things in my not so let-on about life. I used to tell her everything, now i don't.
I still kidna do, just not the shit she'd like to hear .. like knowing and meeting my school friends -- which i do'nt have many. I make my friends elsewhere, and she doesn't like that they're university and they're usually younger.. and very odd.
... tough.
I've made my friends and they're all an odd bunch, or at least the ones i hang out with online. I mean come-on .. half my friends either have ADHD, some odd medical problem (IM NOT POINTING AT PEOPLE AND GETTING MAD, i'm just saying what my friends are like!), or they have depression or some other mental disability. However, this doesn't make them any less of a friend, i care all the same.
... it's just that, a new bunch are gay/queer/transgender etc- and i'm even involved in that spectrum, and have admitted i identify as male -- but haven't gone through anything yet..
i'm just, biding my time -- i might have to go through the process of coming out by the end of the semester, because i'm driving my own self up a fucking wall through this.
there's cracks showing in certain places, and i really REALLY hate hiding shit from people. I'm not going to go psycho, i'm soo too stupid to do that, plus i kind already had my whole estrogen-based fits at my grandmother.
as i sit here in my jeans and hide tshirt, and my melted-off glimmerstick black eyeliner ...
i complain that life isn't as it's always cracked up to be, and my fault is that i'm not back at my 100 a session psycholgist, and that i need to get the payments in order so i can go back. Because i need to remember i'm not going ot cure my ADHD on my own.
nor am i going to deal with my trans-issues on my own. Which is why i went to the transgender inquiry today. I can tell how utterly naive i am still, because i sat halfway through kinda half-scared and nervous of what i'm getting involved in. I'm not used to throwing myself in the deep end of things, and expecting myself to cope. I'm just trying to learn how to grow up before i'm 25.
... i forget that i'm ADHD, and i may never properly grow up. lol.. yea, that's the way life is.
I'm going on a nutsy spree because i requested a shitload of music, and my mother is in a horrible mood about the bandwidth, and she gets shitty if i download stuff right now and i'm really gettin perturbed.
... it's like i'm suddenly 16 and i have no clue how to fix the comptuer. I lived with my father for 3 years, i had to fix his computer time and time again the best i could. Once it ended in reformatting, needing a new OS, and finding out they fried my powersupply! :D
... then i get my own computer, and realize "Hmm this is good" .. then my onboard usb goes-- then my motherboard goes.. and i'm down a CRT monitor, and wondering WTF i should do because i'm stuck with only my mom's computer and i need my own, and my mom says ido'nt-- then she says i do because i install so much SHIT on this one.
...i don't know what she's so worried about.
it's not like she'll ever use 75% of the space on this fucker.
and on another note: i scored a project to re-do the UniQ website (www.uniq.ousa.org.nz) and maria is gonna help me if she'll ever email me 8D |
|
|
| compy issues. |
[Sep. 8th, 2006|01:14 pm] |
i'm not gonna be on much for about a two week span if things are physically wrong with my computer. MIGHT be earlier if i can get a laptop, but i doubt that.
Uhm so ya XD the comp goes in sunday, it's friday today..
and i got a bladder infection 8D YAY :D *eats mac n' cheese leftovers, chugs cranberry juice, eats popcorn adn waits to get to the doctors*
@_@
Neh.
i need to get that loan, then i can get another plushie, a laptop, ugly pinkmachine fil 2 XD
wheee XD |
|
|
| Attention getter NON-FO post. |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|10:25 am] |
am i a sucker for attention or WHAT?
AHEM.. hi.
... :D FRIEND ME DAMNIT! I AM COOL!... and i am bored. |
|
|
| Back. |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|09:08 pm] |
Sorta. O-o i was meant to come back sooner, the steam's cooled off.. i just got busy with other shit.
... O_o.
.... and still am XD
watch this space! *RUNS* |
|
|
| indefinate hiatus. |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|10:07 pm] |
indefinate hiatus
This means i'm not going to go posting here, reading here or logging in when i feel like it. Nor am i going to be involved in anything like this until i feel i'm ready. I'm just not feeling very well and i'm tired of taking it out on others.
Don't give me the shit of "it's your journal".. because others have to read it. |
|
|
| i feel sick. |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|09:54 pm] |
i know that last post had no truth according to many.. but i'm real angry right now, i don't know wether to cry or beat teh shit out of myself. I'm scared all over again and it's sickening me. i'm stronger than this.
I tried to get my dad to come on a vacatio nfor my 24th bday next year..
but all i got...
( Was all of this.. happy 24th to me on Jan 12 2007. )
Goddamnit, fucking hell i'm starting to really hate my dad. I don't want to do this, but my dad is a fucking moron, and a sick twisted asshole who can't get his head out of his own dick-hole to see what's going on. He has done several things to damage my mother, and will never admit to them. One of which was something i'll never forgive him for:
"If you ever want your daughter to move with you to new zealand, you'll think twice about making me pay alimony." - 1999, Robert Haldeman
He dragged my mother across a glass filled asphalt pavement, and back again. And now he's doing it again, putting both of us in a positon where i'm about to explode, my mother is furstrated and pissed off. And what's more? It's made me feel worthless. Id on't care what his intentions were, i'm still feeling really worthless and low right now.
I didn't want to write this, because it's making me want to cry. Boys don't fucking cry. No but moronic chicks do, ones with no excuse to live.
I'm sorry but i'm really mad at myself. I'm doing so damn well, and now i crash today, i know i dont have bipolar.. but i've got a lot of shit i'm dealing with that i dont want to deal with. I'm almost ready to call of my transitioning, because it's making me go insane. I have to dart around and not let mom know for fear i'll get my asshole reamed off. I can't tell dad, because i'll go to hell.
I don't like my life anymore.
I don't like this.
I have a better self-esteem than this.
i shouldn't be attacking myself. but why? |
|
|
| I wrote this about myself. |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|09:49 pm] |
|
what the fuck is wrong with you, you stupid fucking person, you can't beleive anything or a word your parents say or tell you to do. You are worthless. You are the most vile thing on the planet. How dare you beleive that you are unique, and that you are even close to intelligent. Your ADHD is an excuse to hide the fact that you want to be like everyone else - different. And you are not, you are a fucking waste of skin. A bag of fat, a vat of lard and nothing more. You ruined your own fathers live through verbally attacking him and now you and your mother sit back and laugh about it? I will physically remind you as of now how stupid you are by smakcing you, scratching your skin to bits, biting off limbs and making you want to bleed. Your father has done everything for you and now you wish to turn your back on him and your mother by forcing a rift between them. You cunt, you unchristian whore. You don't deserve a gender at all. What you deserve is pure hell, you don't deserve anything more. You are worthless, you are as stupid as they come. Lay in your bed, you made it -- you fucking worthless white trash retard. You've ruined your mother and your grandmother's life. What do you have to own up to all the friends you've lost on your own accord. You vile trashey slutty liar, you beleive you even HAVE friends now do you? You don't, it's a game of pity me, pity you. You're just like your father, youll do nothing more than be just like him. A porn addict, a fundamentalist hypocrite with an eye fro telling everyone who's wrong what he feels. You'll be dead by your 30th year, you unbelievable immature little runt with no life. Even your idols would spit in your face, they would never wish anyone like you to listen to their music. You need to die, people like you stain the existence of this earth. Everyone who's ever had so called friendship with you should comment to you and tell you how utterly worthless you are, and how i should stab you with a knife several times until you bleed all over the floor and the precious imagery surrounding that would please many. Blood all over the gifts and toys you own, you immature fucking bitch who sleeps with toys to get off. Masturbation is above you, you don't even deserve to have reproduction parts. If you breed, you'd be killed -- people don't need to see you, you're ugly on the inside and outside. I will make you cry so fucking hard that your throat dries, and you cough to death. Your asthma is a lie, you are a lazy ass fat tub of lard that can't lose wegiht because they're a fake. You are a complete fake waste of time. Die. |
|
|
| fuck it. |
[Jul. 29th, 2006|09:20 pm] |
i was going to write something here, but writing shit that's slanderous and immature about someone of my own family is beneath my own personal standards. I don't care how fucking derpessed i am.
This isn't to say that others can't.
this is to say that i'm sick of ranting in here.
i'm sick to death of slanderously mocking my own self and others just to get comments here.
What you think i'm pulling some sick joke?
No, so fuck off. |
|
|
| post for jenn. |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|09:16 pm] |
here's the story >>;
( Read more... ) |
|
|